Need WebMD
You Might Also Like
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
I’m meeting up with new friends today and we’re going on a picnic but they don’t want me to bring anything. My mom says you should never show empty handed tho so I’m thinking I’m gonna take a living chicken. Can you imagine? I’d be king of the village in some parts of the world.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.