Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
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This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?