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Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
They’re called werewolves.
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Why is Christopher Nolan a genius? Because even if his movie flops it won’t come up when you search “Oppenheimer bomb”.
me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not