Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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Sure, Billy Joel can make love to his tonic and gin but when I do it, I get a PH imbalance and a lifetime ban from my favourite bar.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Happy thanksgiving
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
“How much is it to sign up for a library card?”
“It’s free.”
“But what does it cost?”
“Nothing, it’s free.”
“No, how much money is it to sign up though?”
“I swear it’s free.”
“Never mind, I’ll ask at the other desk.”
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Wife: Hit the light.
*flicks switch (wrong light)
*flicks another (fan)
*flicks (disposer)
*flicks (nothing)
*flicks (some light in Canada)
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.