Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me

Yes, this is exactly right

My support group can outdrink your support group.

Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)

[Person about to invent vaping] I wish this mango smoothie was on fire.

I really had high hopes for this year though

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.

Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

tree: morning

me: oh hey

tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro

me: [exhales on tree]

tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff

Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

medium: so you want to contact your wife

wife: *muffled* open the door

me: sometimes I can still hear her voice

wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys

me: it’s like she’s here watching over me

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

My transition into my mother is nearly complete, I just said, “I don’t care who started it, I’m stopping it!”

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that

[Later in bedroom]

Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.

I would love to ker-sploosh this.

Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?

Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?

Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.