Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
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Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
so much oil in my hair rn america’s plotting an invasion
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
People posting their horrific dating app screenshots serves an important purpose: keeping married people together. Whatever problems you have in your marriage you don’t want to be out there again
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.