Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
My boss thought these were “little pumpkin somethings” and bit into one.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
drunk god: land clouds
angel: those are sheep
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.