Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
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Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god