Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
You Might Also Like
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I absolutely hate being woken from a nap. There were other treadmills in the gym that dude could have used.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
I don’t know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If they can make a nuclear reactor small enough to power a submarine, why can’t they make one for my house