Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
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Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
Publisher: You have a good story here, but I hate the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I’m new to running outside and still learning the benefits, like for example when it rains you don’t have to do it.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
crochet youtube is brutal
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
He wanted to make sure😂
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.