Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
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A short story of betrayal:
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
there’s probably a fee though
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.