Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
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My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Before I work on myself, does anyone like me unhinged
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
2022: I can fix it
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.