Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
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James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
I got a cease and desist letter from a Venezuelan gang because one of them saw me throwing signs at the botanical gardens the other day.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
don’t never drink and drive. drive high.
Young Sheldon
Sheldon
Elder Sheldon
Sheldon on Death’s Door
ETERNAL SHELDON OF THE THIRTEEN REALMS