Needing to stretch is so funny. Your body is like “ughhhh make me longer!”
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Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
Just had my nails done!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
I love when a sandwich is cut in half. You finish the first half and you’re sad because you’re out of sandwich. Then you look down and there is more.
you gotta be faster
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.