Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
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Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Sledding is the best! (until you have to walk back up the hill)
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
wife: be careful climbing that ladder, it looks dangerous
me: hey, danger’s my middle name
daughter: WHAT?!?
son: SERIOUSLY?!? And I got stuck with Andrew???
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.