Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I wasn’t feeling well so I googled my symptoms. I either have allergies or I died two days ago.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
Why there is always a kid crying when I go to the store? Dude. You aren’t the one paying for groceries. Stop.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.