Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]

Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are

It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t

‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.

i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.

Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas

man: hey do you take walk-ins

cremator: excuse me what

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself

me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software

me in 2023: any day now probably

💁🏻‍♂️

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

Still my favorite headline of all time:

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it

There’s this lady on IG who thinks she’s cracked the toddler code and smugly shares all of her hacks. She’s like, “Don’t tell your toddler to do something. Ask them if they’re big enough or strong enough to do it. They’re dying to prove they can.”

So I was like, “Ok, worth a try…”

Me: Hey, Jack, are you big and strong enough to go tell Kip it’s time for dinner?

3 yo: No, thanks.

🤦🏻‍♀️

Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.

Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.