Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Bf dropped his head for a full 30 seconds of silence bc he was explaining the stock market crash to me and I sagely supplied “it’s because mercury went into retrograde yesterday”
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
