Needless to say…*
*mic drop
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{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
We told you to stop at 2012
– the mayans
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Siri: Retweet me.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I think my mom just blocked me
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?