Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

I’ve just bought a new Christmas keyboard for my computer.

There’s No L.

How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.

I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.

The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.

Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.

Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree

Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.

[first date]

Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole

Her: I know how juice boxes work

Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?

6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher

Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?

6: Chick-fil-A

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!

Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.

People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.

Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.

When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying

Radiohead fans, this is for you.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER