Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.

People on Twitter: Hold my beer.

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

Stop everything. Everybody shut up

There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no

#gardening

I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.

If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears

Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot

Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby

Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”

It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal. 

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.

That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea

Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!

Jabba: *speaks Huttese*

C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.

Frozen french fry bag: Heat to an internal temperature of 160°f

Me: k, I’ll check for sure

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?

alien: take me to your leader

me: take me to YOUR leader

alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am

Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?

A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.

My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?

Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*

*I need to eat better*

post donut clarity