Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic
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My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
Deleting my dating apps to meet someone the old fashioned way, his best friend moves in next door and he ignores me at a party only to propose to me and I say I hate him but then I see his house and he gets my idiot sister out of a jam and his aunt yells at me
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
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My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves