“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”![]()
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
My 7yo, “rich people have a lot of money and we don’t have that much, so we are normal people.” Idk, I’m still stuck on “we” because she has zero money.
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
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Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.