“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
“Your sense of entitlement is destroying our relationship”
*me to my dog while trying to eat without having to share.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
but that was my emotional support daylight
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
Me :
All Day At Night
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
