“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
You Might Also Like
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Folks ask me if I ever get tired of putting smiles on the faces of kids and their families in my job as a theme park mascot and my answer is always the same: God yes, are there any openings where you work?