“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
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Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“are you just going to lay in bed all day”
would you judge a frog resting atop a lilypad? would you criticize a flower for enjoying the sun??
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*