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The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit