@okaatta

Negative effects of smoking Marijuana.

1. You now have less marijuana.

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@equinelover137

A guy just commented on how classy I am

So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”

@hyperblastchic

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born

@dreamthievin

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”

Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”

@lisaxy424

[a person with cold hands]

DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE

[a dog with cold paws]

POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT

@Staggfilms

FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.

COP: How can you be sure?

GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.

@BraandoCommando

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

@juliussharpe

A new study shows dolphins have great memory. Memories include “Swam in water” and “Ate”.

@Jamberee13

Him: what are you thinking about?

Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?