Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.

Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.

I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?

“How’s your day going?”

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.

Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’

Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,

I love spending time with my kid so I can hear about things like the pickup lines the boys use. (Her favorite is, “I’ll be your Lightning if you’ll be McQueen.”)

My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money

Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.

The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.

Her: I love a bad guy

Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk

Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.

I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.

When someone asks if I have any hobbies

Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games

Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave

they should schedule doctor appts like

DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40

*I come home with an empty stroller*

WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?

ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle

WIFE:

ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.

I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.

Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.

If only he knew the truth.

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.