*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
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[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Woke up against my better judgment again
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
[I walk into my girlfriend’s house where she’s dressed like a cheerleader]: oh sorry you’re watching the game I’ll come back
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!