Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house

“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it

This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.

*returns shopping cart*

“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”

Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?

If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

lol

[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]

Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!

Mugger: OMG sing the rest

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.

opening a flower shop called women in stem

I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.

first date idea we go to marriage counseling

Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.

And now we wait.

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.

My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.

heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.