Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
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Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Me when they’re trying to close the buffet
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.