Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

Scream sneezers need love too.

4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?

Me: It’s like writing his name on it.

4: So I-

Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.

If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy

*Goes to bathroom

*Reaches down to unzip

*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours

*Starts wearing underwear

You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water

I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.

How do bananas greet each other?

“Yellow”

I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes

me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please

Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.

This scene was so out of pocket looking back 😭 ☠️

Ominous sub-editing fail of the day

MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this

FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*

You’re not my real can

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

There should be a safe word for small talk:

“So how about this weather we’re hav -”

“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”

the three branches of government

I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.

Apparently it’s illegal to sell a bottle, a rag, and a pint of gasoline as fireworks to the neighborhood kids here in Nashville

Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.

After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”

COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no

I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”

They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)

Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.

Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?

Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.

Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen