Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.

So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism

STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF

In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.

I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

There are two types of people in this world:

1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once

2)Liars

Every Adele song is about lasagna.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?

Oh my God. Where are you?

Car keys: LMFAO

3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape

Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape

Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”

Otters see a butterfly.

if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich

i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either

“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong

I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong