Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Something Saturday.
welp
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Get this comic as a limited edition art print, signed by both artists, printed on archival Bamboo Giclée paper from Hahnemühle.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Class: you want us to what
Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
At least he brought enough for everyone
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?