Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Me: Can you do MyFitnessPal with me?
Husband: *immediately loses 8lbs*
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.