Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Some random person just tilled my and my neighbors’ garden sometime during the night.
I’m afraid we’re dealing with a serial tiller.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
About 6 years ago, a new lad at work would have been sacked if I hadn’t spotted what he was doing wrong and stepped in. Now, he’s my manager & records my weekly performance. Without fail I’m 100-110%. It’s really nearer 30% with the rest of the week spent playing FIFA. Cheers bud
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here