Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol