Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.

when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for

I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.

If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.

Insomnia is embarrassing. How can I be so bad at something that literally involves doing nothing?

Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.

Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.

“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”

*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*

“Ah nuts that was a good one.”

I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖

🐷

🐽

My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible

If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.

5 ways I am superior to a horse:

1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM

I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing

*loud crash*

15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!

13: The key word being “almost”.

All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.

All the ones with all of the above are fictional.

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

Windchimes

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.

8: mommy I want to study pastrami

Me: why pastrami specifically?

8: I’m just super interested in the stars

Me: astronomy you mean astronomy

8: pretty sure it’s pastrami

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

When someone says you are so lazy