Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
With prices going up and wages staying the same, I want to share some important information with you all. I know a place where you can still get gas for under $4
Taco Bell
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
“Does this look infected?”
*points to the entire world*
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“