Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
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Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Only short people can save us
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.