Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?

Me: A dog. Duh.


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cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you


Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”


(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

Joe, I’m a little busy.

I love you.


So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head


The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.


A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.


Angel : So how’s it going down there

God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’

Angel: That sounds terrible

God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao


I don’t know who needs to hear this but “Mean Girls” wasn’t meant to be aspirational.


Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.


“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”