@TheMichaelRock

Neighbor: Awww! She’s adorable! What is she?

Me: A dog. Duh.

Neighbor…

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@16bitbulbasaur

cat: *slowly approaches new vase*

me: you don’t wanna do that

vase: *pushes cat off the table*

me: i warned you

@StinkyGr33n

Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”

Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”

Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”

@melgabored

BIDEN
(whispering) Barack. Psst, Barack. Barack, turn around.

OBAMA
Joe, I’m a little busy.

BIDEN
I love you.

@Bentono10

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@mejustbeth

A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.

Maybe I should move.

@kidnapped_jesus

Angel : So how’s it going down there

God: They’ve created something called a ‘five day work week’

Angel: That sounds terrible

God: Oh it is, I literally couldn’t think of something worse and I once turned a woman into a salt lick lmao

@manicpixedreem

I don’t know who needs to hear this but “Mean Girls” wasn’t meant to be aspirational.

@MomofTeen

Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.

@joe_binkley

“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”

“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”