I miss this era type of pranks馃槶
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Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
馃幍 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 馃幎
get you someone as goofy as you.. is.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.