Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
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Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
what’s the point then??
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.