Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
A woman drives into a bar.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”