Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*

netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it

Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.

I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.

– smokers

Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.

*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*

12: This apple tastes funny.

Me: That’s because it’s a peach.

Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.

*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice

Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.

Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob

“I will cook for you.” I threatened

First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.

Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.

Me: I love fresh bed linen

Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.

just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it

Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.

Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.

His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.

Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99

Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want

if you guys saw this outside of a bar, would you come in? please be honest

I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.

So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.

We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.