neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
Okay this one takes it home
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook