neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
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*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: It’s a surprise
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!