neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
You Might Also Like
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.