Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke

CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s

ME:

CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

What a year we’ve had this week.

he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?

[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh

[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up

When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.

Neither of us has slept in 16 years.

Whoa 😂

For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.

My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.

Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.

Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?

if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?

Reasons I visit a TL:

1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know

If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”

Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation