Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
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Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
*sees a fly*
*trying to swat fly*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.
Octopuses call that “leg day.”
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Biden: We need theme music when we walk into a room
Obama: Joe be professional
Biden: STRAIGHT OUTTA COMPTON, CRAZY MOTHER-