neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
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*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
dutch so unserious
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
the last thing a carrot sees
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.