Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill

“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”

I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.

The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.

I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

You know what else is crazy?

*googles synonyms for crazy*

crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.

My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu

Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”

– me, talking to the fridge

My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.

a firefly accidentally calling one of the stars in the night sky “mom” lol like how embarassing

I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?

ME: I took a bus tour of the the city today.

WIFE: Oh really. How did it go?

ME: The driver turned the ignition and pressed down on the gas.

HER: Get out.

gf: [crying] I love him

gf’s dad: if you love him let him go

gf: [lets go]

me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
e
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My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.

10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?