Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
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When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
And now we wait
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye