Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.

I know this now.

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.

Just so you know, it’s almost impossible to drink coffee while laying down.

Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.

statistically speaking if 3 million people are getting the vaccine one of them will die in a car crash on the way home which means my idiot aunt is going to facebook message me that the vaccine causes car accidents

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

her: did you wrestle in high school?

me: do my emotions count?

me: I think I’m losing my marbles

proctologist: I’m finding them

[commercial for soup]

NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

[Heaven]

Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL

Me: Too soon…

me: what’s wrong?

date: you said you’d prepared a four course meal

me: yeah, but you didn’t seem to enjoy the first two courses so…

date: i just didn’t realize you meant obstacle courses

“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.