Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
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Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
#Caturday
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
