Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.

Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.

babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*

the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.

My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.

Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.

Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.

my retirement plan is braless

When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS

“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What?”

“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”

“What happened to the to?”

“It split.”

Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.

We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.

If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.

I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

me: you guys sell gift cards?

funeral parlor director: what?

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?

The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’

[on a rocket which just launched into space]

Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening