Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it

I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.

My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?

Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.

Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.

Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.

HAPPY EARTH DAY!

Suck it, Neptune.

Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimme

wikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO

One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward

Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.

avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.

[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.

Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!

*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.