Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Favourite diary entry ever
Day 2 of my diet
I’ve been locked out of Tinder because of “unusual activity”. I must’ve got a match.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
If they are stale enough you could easily kill two birds with one scone
You don’t even know
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Experts say you can make any statement sound more credible by adding experts say at the beginning
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
