Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
We all have our pet causes.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Them: Are you Jewish?
Me: Yup.
Them: And you’re from Toronto?
Me: Yup.
Them: Do you know Dave Rosenberg? He lives in Toronto.
Me: Not every Jew knows each other.
Them: Okay, so you don’t know him then?
Me: I do. He happens to be my cousin.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.
