Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Babe, what’s wrong? You’ve hardly touched your Wallace and Gromelette.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
