Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?

me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: is he in line

A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.

[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]

“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase

Me: [from table] garćon! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.

McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

My 6yo told me there’s a kid called Mirror in his new class, and I’m not sure if he misheard or that’s just where we are with names now

If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.

Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.

Seems legit

I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.

[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”

[watching This Is Us]

*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.

(my very first day as President)

Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.

I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.

Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.

Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?

People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

[my gf actually turns into a worm]

me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you

my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people