Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
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Every time I take out a sleeve of saltines, my dog suddenly awakens from her deep sleep and I gotta show her one so she can be like “oh yeah lol fuck that” and go right back to sleep
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by dinosaurs.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Realize this:
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further