Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You Might Also Like
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
kevin is now a local weatherman
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck