People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
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“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Brain: If we leave now we’ll be on time for once.
Body: Ten more minutes then.
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.
Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
I may be a woman but I know all about off-road adventuring. Your tyres need to be soft when driving in sand so just make little holes in your tyres. Stab stab stab.
Follow me for more adventuring tips.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”