Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.

My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None

Told someone what city I live in.

“Oh are you married to a doctor?”

“No. My husband is though.”

Why aren’t auto body shops called…

“Fender Bender Menders??.”

And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.

And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times

marketing people:

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.

Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer

You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.

Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.

I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.

Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross

Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.