Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

My default excuse for cancelling plans is “poetry.” No one has ever asked me to elaborate.

I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.

Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.

Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?

Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.

5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.

I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine

*doorbell rings*

me: go away I’m social distancing

voice: pizza delivery

me: *opens door*

COVID19: hehe, got’em

Remember mad cow disease?

Good times.

Coworker: What a crazy weekend!

Me: *takes a knee*

CW: What are you doing?

M: Protesting this conversation.

My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.

A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.

I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.

A map of the US presidential election results if you are viewing it as a dog

Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.

ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes

my kid: hold my cheerios

my kid: *drops cheerios*

My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

Table for one, please.

Ma’am, your family is right behind you.

“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”

– Viruses

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously