Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
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It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Seductively sings in Klingon.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
What are you talking about? My wife hates when I make her laugh. She said what attracted her to me was my complete lack of humor and total inability to have fun.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.