Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a folder on my desktop named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is a bunch of stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”
Inside which is still more stuff and a folder named “Old Desktop”

I don’t even know how many layers deep it goes at this point.

old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot

Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.

Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends

Me: That’s not even a real number

Please let me in.. 😂

Sound on

Why does laundry happen to good people?

My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.

I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.

He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion

On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing

Boss: you’re late

Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court

Boss: I hate you

The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents

*on death bed*

Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?

*gets kicked in the ribs*

my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off

Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!

Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.

[Dinner at Arby’s]

Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday

Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home

Me: Ahh memories

Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.

add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans

Sleeping In A Car By Age:

12 And Under: Very cool

13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal

18+: Uh-Oh

Welcome to your 40s, your level of cleaning is directly related to whether your guest can see without readers.