Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see

me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face

therapist: please take this seriously.

me: ok it’s a car

therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/

My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.

Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!

Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.

what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?

[me living in a hallmark movie]

oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?

well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!

WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!

Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.

To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does

People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.

Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.

My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”

– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game

divorced parents be meeting at store parking lots exchanging they kids like it’s a drug deal. 😭

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Me: I don’t believe the world is round…

Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*

Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid

Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.

Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”

Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.

my relationship with the mailman is pretty toxic. one day he brings me gifts and i love him 😍. the next day he brings me bills and i hate him 🤬. but he always comes back 😌

Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

[on a date with a european]

Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?