Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]

Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast

the antelopes: wait, the what now?

Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…

NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.

Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.

Except bullets.

Bullets and gravity.

Also poison.

what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant

My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse

How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.

I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.

Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.

On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”

Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me

[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶

Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules

i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers

why would I work from home when i don’t even work from work

Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE

That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.

me: sorry this place is such a mess

her: it’s my house

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure