NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
More like Kate Missington.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”