NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
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Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..