Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.

Me: Ironman

Wife: Get out!

і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches

I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spirit

seeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power

Damn what did I do next

Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.

I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)

grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—

me: it’s not controversial

grampa: don’t start

me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men

grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—

me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—

grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!

ROBOT: [flies out of window]

ME: Why did I add a propeller

*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*

me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”

My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.

jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this

j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u

I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…

[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]

What if you could just pretend to eat?

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.

The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.

Fidel Castro was alive?

Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?

Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?

Exec: damn that’s so good

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.