Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me

And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen

People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap

Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*

Receives check*

Dang I just got a raise

Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.

Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.

I just can’t handle it anymore.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.

I’m having an out of money experience.

My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants

*me brushing my daughter’s hair

my watch: are you working out?

Thank you cards only ever thank people for nice things they’ve actually done. This excludes people who don’t like doing things. We need cards that thank people for bad things they HAVEN’T done

Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…

He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?

Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restart

Me: I’d like to restart

Windows: