Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
You Might Also Like
You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
I’ve had so much cough medicine and this has me in tears
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
hung out w/ my grandad who has dementia today. He came into the kitchen looking distraught while I was making tea & said “have you seen whats happening in America? It’s awful!”. assumed he’d read some election news but turned out he’d been watching Ghostbusters in the living room
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Don’t let hippos sniff mopeds
Or a deer chew your bike
Hide big wheels from gators
They know what they like
Geese love to rub rowboats
Ducks will tickle your van
Rabbits snuggle with tractors
Whenever they can
Squirrels smooch skateboards
If a door’s left ajar
And whatever you do
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?