Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
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Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.