Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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The postman told me he was off to Spain tomorrow. I asked if he was going to Parcelona. He didn’t even smile
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
7: so dolls weren’t invented when you were a kid either right mom?
me: for the last time it was just the INTERNET
dictator is short for richard potato
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Hmmmmmmm….
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Training for a job is a bunch of people telling you “this isn’t how youre supposed to do this but this is how I do it” and then nobody tells you how you’re supposed to do it.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
whenever i wake up before my alarm
