Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.

Mom: why do you drink so much

Me: *stares at mom*

I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.

My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater

I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.

I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.

I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.

him: oh sorry I thought you worked here

me, in line at a haunted house: WOW

In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

*Pokes the bear just to feel alive

*Bear uses bear spray on me

Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

“I literally can’t even!”

— White girl hanging a picture

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

So there’s been some misinformation going around about the “child stabbing machine.” I want to correct some misperceptions. To start, the machine is built to look like a fun party clown. It’s fun! Also (and it’s understandable if you weren’t aware) children love getting stabbed.

Y’all ready for this

1995: I will make multiple trips to the post office and mail off blank cassettes just so I can get a barely audible bootleg of a phish show months later

2022: I will pay 47 dollars for a single chicken sandwich to be delivered so I don’t have to put on pants

i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”

People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.